| | So... I absolutely haven't been on in forever. *sighs* So.. lots of stuff has happened.. and I'm all confused.... When you give up on something, really give up on something that you've wanted for a while (think years), are you supposed to be happy that you're finally being realistic and that you can finally move on, or are you supposed to be sad that you've been given such finality and such disappointment? Last week, when I gave up, I was all... tired and lethargic and I basically stayed in bed all day, half-sleeping, listening to music, and just... pondering. I'm still in the process, the process of giving up, and I wonder whether the only way I can truly give up on one thing is to attach onto something else. I am one strange, twisted person... But... anyway, that's kinda beside the point. My giving-up-insanity seems so trivial compared to something that I found out this past tuesday. There are some people in this world who think all people that you meet online are pedophiles/stalkers/murderers/etc. My mom's one of them *headdesks*. There are also some people in this world who say that people you meet online can't possibly be as close to you as people that you know in real life. *COUGHCOUGH* Right. As if. Those people obviously don't know what it's like to have friends that you found through (in my case) a common love of Harry Potter... I can see my friends rolling their eyes in exasperation right now... yes, I'm still obsessed. Well, a site that I discovered more than a year ago is called the Hogwarts Experience (HE), and I've loved it ever since I joined. It's become like a second home to me and many of my friends on that site, I would call as close to me, or even more so, than some of my friends who I've actually met. Well... on tuesday... I found out via HE that a member of the site, Brunette who's real name was Holly, had died on March 14: Pi day. We all knew that she'd had a brain tumor, but as she wasn't online as much as others, I didn't really know her very well, though I remembered her and I'd talked to her a few times. But... some people on HE were really really really close to her.. Well.... through talking with various friends (on HE), I found out that her death hadn't really been from her tumor... but... it was kinda connected... anyway... I've been kinda... moping at home.... since tuesday and I expect, for a while more. But... I keep wondering.... is it justified for me to mope around, missing her, when I wasn't even as close to her as tons of others were? I don't want to forget her, and I know that I won't, but...I'm still afraid that I will. Her death has touched me really really deeply.... but.... I didn't know her very well... but I know that she was [I HATE past tense!] a beautiful person, inside and out.... I don't know why I just typed that paragraph... but .... I felt as if I needed to get that off my chest... I've been writing poetry, not all of it good, but... it's kind of helped me to cope. I feel as if I need to tell my friends that I hang out with every day about Holly, about what happened, etc... about her. Just her. and... everything. and.... I guess I just need someone to understand who I can't physically speak with, and I have spoken with people on HE over the phone etc., but... I still feel as if I need to speak to someone about it face to face. And I don't want to be judged about having friends and being so involved online... I'm a coward, and I hate how xanga automatically double-spaces. *sigh* This post is so utterly random.... And I made a playlist for holly...... is it masochistic, reminding myself of sorrow and making myself cry? *sigh* |
